Funks suck.

I'm in a funk. I wish it would go away. Maybe blogging about it will help.

I can't even pinpoint the real reason why. It's a combination of things.

I want to be pregnant. I want our house to sell. I want us to be financially stable.

Mostly I want my clothes to fit. I want my husband to find me sexy.

This is all coming from the past few days. I did a great job keeping track of my food and exercise for a week. I had a really good average calories per day and some exercise even though I was sick.

Since Sunday it's all gone downhill and I can't seem to stop it. Sunday we went out to breakfast. I couldn't seem to reconcile what I wanted to eat with what was good for me to eat and although I made pretty decent choices I felt guilty. Then we went to Amy's BBQ. I was uncomfortable around all the people I didn't know. A couple of beers helped my state of mind but not my food consumption. In the grande scheme of things I didn't eat a lot. A few chips and salsa and crab dip. A hotdog. Some asian slaw and a couple bites of macaroni salad. A bite of the husband's brownie.

Monday I resolved was a new day. I went running. I made good choices. I was freaking ravenous ALL day though. I was tracking calories as best I could and when I went over 1800 and I wasn't even done eating dinner yet I felt really bad. Now that I'm typing it I realize that I burned about 400 running, so 1800 really isn't bad at all.

Last night I thought it was bad though, I felt guilty and I ate pie for dessert and then a bunch of brownie mix when I started to make more brownies for the husband. I put the brownie mix away and parked myself on the couch.

This morning I made the brownies and felt bad that I ate more mix and a brownie. Then I proceeded to lay on the couch all day and feel miserable. I took a nap...that helped.

I don't feel like I've made good food choices today and I didn't work out. So I feel guilty.

Putting it all down here though, it doesn't seem that bad at all. I sound a bit silly. What would be bad is if I let this continue.

We're going to the hockey game tonight. I think we're eating beforehand. I want to have a beer tonight but then I think beer = another bad choice. I think I really just need to get over myself.

I'm going to do some yoga and take a shower and get rid of all this nastiness from inside my head and all over my body (did I mention I didn't shower yet today?)

Progress?

I'm sitting here relaxing, a bit cranky, and I realized that it didn't even cross my mind to go eat because I'm in a bad mood. What came to mind instead was blogging! So here I am. That is definitely progress.

Why am I cranky?

It sounds silly. It's not though. How I feel about anything isn't silly because it's my feelings and they are important. (I sound a bit like a self-help book I think. Lol.)

Book club was last night. I had a good time. I got a little too tipsy from two glasses of wine. I always feel a bit left out at book club though. I think it's mostly my own doing. I assume people don't like me and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It comes from years of being picked on when I was a kid and teenager. My self-esteem is A LOT better than it used to be but it's still not great.

Anyway. I got home and the husband was cranky and rude so that put me in a bad mood. Then I couldn't sleep thanks to the afternoon coffee and then too much wine.

When I woke up this morning I expected my BBT to be up. I've been charting to keep track of my cycles and hopefully maybe get pregnant. I say hopefully; the husband says maybe. My temp started to go up yesterday and I really thought I ovulated earlier this week. I have/had all the same symptoms as last month. If I did ovulate when I think I did, then I could very well be pregnant because of when we BD'd. But now my temp is down again which either means I didn't ovulate or that my thermometer is crazy. That is possible actually, it's been acting weird a lot.

I feel like I'm rambling.

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't really matter. I'll get pregnant when I'm supposed to. I need to stop stressing! But hey, at least I'm not stress eating!

Baking frenzy

Baking Frenzy

Being home with nothing to do (well, I'm sure I could clean the house or something useful) I've turned to baking.

Right now I'm making my first batch ever of coconut almond chocolate chip Veggie Girl Blondies! The recipe is on her blog. I modified it a bit, since I don't need gluten or dairy free. They would have been dairy free, but all I had in the fridge was greek yogurt, so that's what I used. They're cooling now, so we'll see how yummy they are!

I also bought all the ingredients to make Polly's banana berry muffins that she posted the other day.

When I was googling to see if I could make oatbran from the old-fashioned oats I have (the answer is yet, just blend/chop in a food processor) I found a another yummy looking recipe on Shmooed Food no bake honey bee cookies.

Maybe I should go read a book and stay out of the kitchen for a while!

Food Today

Today I had another green monster, again with banana, kale, spinach and unsweetened almond milk. Yum! Too bad that's the end of my kale!

I had grits when I first woke up - that's what I was craving so that's what I ate.

For dinner, the husband is out with people from work, so I'm going to make a black bean burger, grilled veggies, and maybe some sweet potato fries. I tried the black bean burger for the first time yesterday (recipe from Kath ) and it was awesome!

I went for a walk today too. I still don't feel 100% so I'm in no mood to run (running requires being able to breathe.) It was actually pretty nice! I used to HATE walking, being a distance runner and all, but it's starting to sink in that it really is ok to walk.

Healthy Habits

For the past few days, I've been trying my hardest to eat healthy, portioned meals without deprivation.

I have to say I've done pretty well!

Part of me really wanted to count points. Part of me then wanted to count calories, which is really just like points, but a bit more time consuming. The rest of me knew that that isn't a good idea. I need to develop healthy habits for the long run, not just lose a few vanity pounds in the short run. I know all the healthy habits, I know what to do, I just don't do it. I let emotional eating and convenience and all the shoulds I mentioned last time get in the way. But, at some point in the near future, it's not going to be just about me anymore. I'm off the pill, so more than likely I will be pregnant in the next year (or even this month!)

So I'm compromising. I do the best for myself when I'm focusing on eating healthy foods and listening to my body. However, I can't just have a free-for-all with portions. So I decided to estimate calories/points most days, just to get a basic idea of what I'm eating. If I go crazy with it, then I'll stop.

I'm listening to my body with food and exercise. Today I was planning to use leftover black beans to make a "burger" and have a salad for lunch. Before lunch I was craving cereal, so I munched away on Kashi Go Lean Crunch and Raisin Bran Crunch. Hmmm, see a theme?

Anyway, now I just did some yoga. It was Gentle Hatha 2 ( free from yogadownload.com! ) I ran yesterday but my chest hurt after so I figured I probably shouldn't today. I've been fighting a cold or something for the past few days now. Ugh.

The only thing I really wanted to eat after yoga was a green monster. So I made one! It contains: 1 cup unsweetened Almond Breeze, 1 banana, 2 big handfuls each of kale and spinach. It's a really pretty green too, I wish I had a good digital camera. I tried the webcam but that didn't work too well either.

I think I'm going to relax and watch a movie.

Wants

I want to be free of self hatred.

I want to have faith in God.

I want to want to exercise.

I want to have a baby.

I want my husband to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I want to be strong.

I want to run races again and beat my old PRs.

I want to finish a triathalon.

I want to get rid of the "shoulds."

I always feel like I should be doing something or should not be doing something and I get myself all upset about it. Hence, self hatred. Should get up and exercise. Should be thinner. Should eat this not that. Should not eat sugary cereal out of the box for breakfast. Should be studying. Should be cleaning.

Good god I sound like a nutcase. ;)

I should get over myself! ;)

Cauliflower Curry

The curry was SO good and very easy to make. I don't know why I haven't made it in so long!

Ingredients:
cauliflower florets
chopped red potatoes
chopped onion
chopped red pepper
salsa
can of roasted diced tomatoes
curry powder
cumin
cinnamon

It simmered for about 1/2 hour. I ate it over quinoa and it was delicious!

Day 3 Crap Free Week

I just tried my first green smoothie!

It was tolerable. It wasn't fabulous but it wasn't horrid. I drank most of it.

I blended: 1 big kale leaf, 2 handfuls baby spinach, 1 banana, 1 handful fresh strawberries, a few fresh blueberries, and 1 cup greek fat free yogurt.

It was a little thick. I think it would have been better with milk (soy or rice? almond?)

It was also hard to drink on a cold day. I really wanted oatmeal or something warm.

I will try again!

Today is Day 3.

I've learned a lot already! It's pretty hard to eat products without any added sugar! So many things in my kitchen that I thought were healthy have added sugar. A lot have cane sugar or agave or something else (not HFCS) but still! I decided I'd aim for the least amount of added sugar possible, but if a product had 10 or less grams of sugar per serving and the sugar wasn't in the first 3 ingredients I would still eat it, just in moderation.

Yesterday I was at work for a few minutes and one of team members asked me to stop at ChikfilA when I was out getting lunch. So I got her fried food and me brown rice veggie sushi. I really wanted a french fry but that definitely falls in the "crap" category.

I want to go to Trader Joe's today...I haven't been in forever! I don't have much money to spend so I don't know if it's worth the drive, but...it's my last real day off! I should do what I want! I don't officially go back to work till Monday but I have workdays the next two days.

Today's food plan - cauliflower curry for lunch (tomatoes, cauliflower, red potato, green beans) and chicken and shrimp stir fry (or maybe "fried" rice like they made on the Today Show this morning.)

Crap-Free Week

I decided to jump on the Crap-Free Week bandwagon.

I was thinking about giving up sugar for Lent-Al (alternative Lent since I'm not Catholic.) 40 days is a huge goal. Baby steps are better.

I stumbled across Crap-Free Week in Angela's blog today, so here I go!

3/2-3/8 (or longer perhaps?)

No sugar: refined sugar, added sugar, maple syrup or honey in my oatmeal, etc
Try at least 1 green smoothie
Minimal processed foods
Aim for all food groups each day

So far so good! This morning I had banana-pumpkin oats with dried cranberries, regular natural peanut butter and a bit of cinnamon peanut butter (I should double check that this doesn't have added sugar.) I tried some Superfood Slam Probar sprinkled on top but I didn't like the taste AT ALL. I scraped it all off! Kath at Kath Eats Real Food raves about them so I really wanted to try one and I was so excited when I found them on sale at Kroger yesterday - I wonder if the other flavors are better?

For a snack I'm eating 1/2 Chobani plain yogurt with strawberries, kiwi, a few walnuts and dried cranberries.

Edit: I doublechecked the cinnamon pb and yup, it does have cane sugar added. *sigh* No more for this week! I also checked the cranberries...sugar added there too! I'll have to find some without sugar...I'm sure they exist.

I'm trying to decide what to make for lunch. I have ingredients to make a cauliflower curry type dish that I haven't made in years. A veggie omlette sounds good too though. Stirfry with rice noodles does too!

I do enjoy contests...

Working is not conducive to posting daily or working out daily, for that matter.

I feel crappy physically, bad about myself emotionally, and stressed.

SERIOUSLY STRESSED.

I am in need of me-time. Not time to grade papers or do work on boards or clean the house, but ME time.

Maybe I'll win some almond butter....check it out! A contest...

Nighty night for now.

I really think the beer and cookies set off my blood sugar. Stress might be a factor too. I just want to eat!

Today's food...
Breakfast:
hazelnut coffee with fat free cream
oatmeal with apple (too much), banana, drizzle of maple syrup, vanilla rice milk and peanut butter. (The peanut butter was Skippy Natural. I got it on sale and I don't like it. Well, I like it because it's seems sweeter and is very smooth, but it doesn't seem like typical natural peanut butter. I think I could easily overeat it.)

Lunch:
turkey melt on multigrain bread with 2% cheese, salsa
carrots and yellow pepper strips
Chobani with ezekiel cereal and honey drizzle

Snack:
vanilla red tea
leftover Chobani from lunch
1 cookie

Dinner:
chicken casserole: chicken, roasted peppers, stewed tomatoes, brown rice and quinoa
cauliflower and broccoli
1 cookie

Snack after dinner (really hungry 2 hours after dinner)
trail mix granola bar with peanut butter (and an extra spoonful)

Activity:
6ish miles

Too many cookies today. I really want to go eat more peanut butter. Subconsciously I feel bad that I ate the cookies and peanut butter. I don't feel like I should have. But I'm not on a diet! I'm trying to follow eat more fruits and vegetables and dairy, spread out protein all day, eat snacks as snacks and not graze all day, exercise regularly...and I'm doing that! I just need to relax. Maybe I should do some nighttime yoga.