A clean slate.

Since I posted yesterday I feel like I'm spiraling downhill.

I feel like I keep eating when I'm not hungry. I realize it's not extreme by any means, but I feel out of control.

It started yesterday when Amy was telling me all about how wonderful her new relationship is.

I think at the heart of it, I'm jealous. Yes I have a wonderful relationship too, but it's not new, and it's not exciting, and I feel like my boyfriend doesn't make an effort anymore. We hardly ever have sex. I don't feel like he wants me. He doesn't even kiss me when he comes home from work unless I initiate it.

Then on the flipside, he takes care of me, he got me really sweet Christmas presents and I know he wants to be with me. I just wish he acted more loving and affectionate. I know I could talk to him about this but I feel like whenever I try, he takes it the wrong way. I told him not too long ago that I wished he'd tone down the silliness just a little and he said that he'd be a serious boring person then and he really acted like it for a couple of days, just to prove a point. It's like he's 12.

I'm sure there's things about me that he wants to change or something; I wish we could just talk about it.

Wow, this is so not where this post was originally going. Maybe all of this really is the root cause of the eating. I was thinking that it was more physical. I haven't had the best of foods lately, which in turn causes me to want to eat more junk and feel worse.

I feel like I need to cleanse my system. I know the If the Buddha Came to Dinner book has some cleanse information in it. Maybe I'll try it on the 1st. I did a mini-cleanse before and I know it takes some preparation.

I didn't realize it had been so long.

It's been 2 months since my last session with my Monica. We're having a follow-up in January and then one 3 months down the road if I want one.

I made a lot of progress with her. I feel more confident with body, around food, really just in general. I am much more aware of negative thoughts. I pay more attention to what I'm eating and how it will effect me physically (sugar, caffeine, etc.)

However, I don't feel as stable as I did when I was checking in with Monica on a bi-weekly basis. I haven't been bingeing, but I haven't been as mindful as I was and I'm not working out as much as I was. When I was meeting with her, I had to fill out a reflection before we met, and we'd work through it together and use it to decide what my next steps would be.

I think I still need to do this, even though I'm not meeting with her. I've decided to post these reflections on one of the conscious eating message boards that I use regularly so that they are public and I can get input on them.

I did a reflection a couple of days ago and my goals for the next week and a half are:

1. Eat at least 1 serving of fruit and 2 servings of vggies a day. My diet (what I'm eating, not the evil DIET) has been heavy on carbs and sweets and lacking in the healthy stuff. It comes with the season I suppose, but I don't feel good. I feel better when I eat healthy.

2. Plan my exercise in my planner and reward myself, just like Monica and I had discussed. 3 weeks with 4 workouts or more a week means reward of some sort - pedicure, new clothes, etc. So far this week I've worked out 3 times and I'm meeting up with my running buddy for a run tomorrow!

3. Attempt to thwart mindless eating by having a plan of what else I can do. I realized that while I haven't been bingeing or emotional eating much, I have been grazing and eating because food is there, not because I'm hungry.

Something I didn't write about in my relfection that I need to work on is alcohol. I don't drink a lot by any means, but I find myself substituting alchohol for food. When I come home and I'm feeling stressed, instead of eating, I'll have a glass of wine while I cook. While a glass of wine isn't bad for me, using it for the same purpose as overeating is bad. I need to work on that.