Just blabbering. Not really looking for advice here.

I feel sick.

I haven't binged like this since last May.

What's the common denominator?

Yeah. Dieting.

You would think I know better by now.

Yet, I shouldn't beat myself up. I don't deserve that. I deserve to be loved and hugged and cuddled. Is there really a difference between my weight now and 5 pounds less?

No.

I miss Monica. She grounded me. She pushed me in the right direction. I felt so good when I was with her.

I feel like shit now.

Dieting makes me want to drink more. Dieting makes me eat/drink sugar-free chemically stuff that is bad for my body. Dieting had led me back to caffeine. Dieting has made me focus on what I want my body to weigh/look like, not what makes my body healthy.

The grand result is that I feel horrible.

Yet I still want to hang onto the dieting. It's like I can't let go.

What do I need to do?

It helps when I keep a food diary, so I can focus on my emotions, what I eat, and how I feel.

Limiting sugar and caffeine helps. Dairy too.

(In the back of my head, all I hear is - you can always go back to WW if this doesn't work.)

*Sigh*

I know I haven't backslided completely. I know myself. I know what I need. I feel guilty when I do what I "shouldn't." I've felt guilty for dieting.

Today was a perfect example. We had boxed lunches for Teacher Appreciation Week. I thought this morning that I should bring my own lunch because the boxed lunch wouldn't be filling and I wouldn't each much of it. Was I right? Of course.

What's the bottom line here?

I need to listen to myself. Have I lost weight when I've eaten consciously before? No. Does that I mean I can't? No. Should I focus on it? No.

I need to go back to doing revisit forms. I need to focus on me and my health. I'm going to do it for a week. Til I get back from PA. It's not like I can realisticly count points anyway with houseguests and then two trips. Yet I can consciously eat anywhere, anytime. Nothing special needed.

Ok. I'm taking a deep breath and I'm just going to do it.