Insanity.

Still insanity.

I knew the dieting wouldn't last. Since Monday night, I've binged to some degree each night.

I fell off the diet wagon and into binge-craziness. I want to stop. I don't want to force this food into my body when it doesn't want it. I can't help it though. I keep thinking, I have to eat it because it's there and because I can. I can't see beyond the dieting haze.

I feel like I've made no progress whatsoever. My whole problem stems from the fact that I'm unhappy with my body. I want to weigh less. I want my clothes to fit. No matter how much I try to normal eat and eat intuitively I just keep thinking that I want to lose weight. Then I want to diet. Then I convince myself to diet. I end up bingeing at some point. I feel miserable and hate my body and it starts all over again.

I was so close to feeling better about it when I had Monica to talk to and email every week. I know I could email her now. I could probably even call her. I could start working with her again.

Bottom line I feel like I've failed myself and her because I dieted again after all the progress I made with her. I feel like I'm back where I started. I feel guilty. I don't want to tell her all that.

I need to make a commitment to intuitive eating. A long enough one that I can't remind myself that I'll go back to dieting. Right now I'm not eating intuitively, I'm eating "off-diet." I'm eating it all because I can.

I need to listen to my body.

It's just so hard.