I feel out of control.

Grandpa died this weekend. He's been sick for a year. We knew it was coming.

I've never really had to deal with grief. I don't know what to do with it. I don't feel like I should have these feelings. I shouldn't be sad. It's not like I spent that much time with him. Grandma died when I was in college and I was sad, but I don't remember really being affected. I didn't really get it.

Yet this time around, I'm so numb. It's so real and so close. I feel like I understand death more. I'm more aware of what I have and what I could lose. Grandpa lived a long, happy life, except for the last year.

I feel like I'm grieving for him and for Grandma. For the finality of death. For the past that we can't change. For the fact that anyone could die at any time. For the times in my childhood that I spent with my family that I can't go back to. I didn't always understand or appreciate what I had.

I talked to K tonight and he pointed out that I never let myself feel, when it's about me. I always worry about everyone else. I always cry when I watch movies or read. I allow myself to feel everyone else's feelings but not my own.

He told me it's ok for me to be upset. I'm trying hard to believe it.

Meanwhile, all of this is wreaking havoc on my eating. I've been bingeing a lot. I haven't overeaten in the grand scheme of things....they've been small scale binges, but it doesn't matter. I hate feeling out of control.

I've actually lost a little weight. I've actively tried to. It's worked, but it's contributed to my out of control feeling. I need to focus on intuitive eating but all I can see is my wedding ahead and I want to be at my "skinny summer weight." I know K loves me either way, but in my head, this weight is where I want to be.

Yet I just ate a whole bunch of peanut butter and cereal. I feel gross. I feel ashamed.

I shouldn't drink as much wine as I did on school nights. Whenever I drink alcohol I always overeat. The sugar effects me so much. But I keep drinking it. Not a lot, mind you, but maybe a beer or glass of wine every couple of nights.

I really need to focus on what my body needs and what I need emotionally. I need to do what I can to take care of myself and be healthy.